


Kevin Vs Lars

by BarracudaHeart



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Bees, Gen, Parody, Tongue-in-cheek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-08-22 23:28:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8305387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarracudaHeart/pseuds/BarracudaHeart
Summary: The Greatest Battle in Beach City. In Memory of Bees and Lars' Happiness





	

"-So once Sadie has both the guards knocked out, that's where you come in Lars," Steven grinned, waving his hands, "You use your superhuman gift of height, and bust out the security cameras! That way Connie and I can get into the hospital to plant the surprise present for her mom without her even seeing us!"

"I'm not going to do any of that, because that all sounds lame and I don't want to get banned from a place I have to visit on almost a bi-yearly basis because of you," Lars gave an annoyed look to Steven as he flipped through his magazine while slouched behind the counter.

Sadie gave a chuckle, ignoring Lars' comments, "It's a nice thought Steven, but I don't think I could get away with doing something like that either. I'm sure you'll think of a better plan though."

Steven deflated, then sighed, "Yeah, I guess," and flattened his face on the counter, much to Lars' aggravation.

"You're smearin' the counter, get off!", Lars scolded, nudging Steven's head.

"Says the guy who has his feet on it," Sadie rolled her eyes, then looked at her watch, "I'm gonna go take my lunch hour. Want anything while I'm out, Lars?"

"Nah, brought stuff from home today."

"Alrighty then,", Sadie smiled, grabbing her coat and waving as she left through the back, leaving Lars and Steven alone.

Lars pretended not to notice Steven scoot behind the counter and plop beside him, his eye twitching in annoyance.

"So I guess it's just you and me Lars ol' buddy ol' pal," Steven mused.

"Don't you have to be annoying somewhere else?"

"Not until three," Steven shrugged, ignoring Lars' groan, and looked towards the outside of the store, eyes going wide as he saw a familiar sportscar pulling up along the roadside, and secretly hoped there was another teenager in Beach City with obnoxious rich boy fashion and looked like Kevin.

Nope it was Kevin.

"Not Kevin," Steven groaned, slamming his head on the counter, much to Lars' confusion.

"What?"

"That guy," Steven pointed to the teen making a deal of loitering in front of the Big Donut, and making the effort to look very displeased about everything.

"And why do I care about this?"

"Because he's a jerk!", Steven threw his hands up.

"And?"

"He's a creepy jerk! He tried to make a move on me and Connie-"

"What?", Lars did a double take, nearly falling off his chair.

"We were fused as Stevonnie-"

"Ah," Lars sank in what he would never admit was relief.

"And he tried to get us to dance with him, and he wouldn't leave us alone! Then he was a jerk during a car race we had with him, and I thought I was able to forget about him, but it's different when Connie's not around! He still gets on my nerves!"

"Hey now you know how I feel!", Lars gave a sarcastic grin, and his face went back to default boredom as he flipped the page of his magazine and scoffed, "Just ignore him and don't even try to talk to 'im. It's not like he's coming in here to bug you."

"Uhh," Steven scratched his cheek, glancing away awkwardly as the door to the store chimed as Kevin walked in with an unimpressed look at everything.

"Has this place even been cleaned this decade?", Kevin quipped with a cock of his head, then glanced expectantly at the counter to get an answer, doing a double take at Steven, giving an unfriendly smirk, "So you work here?"

"No I don't, Kevin! I'm just visiting!", Steven gave a determined frown, trying to show he wasn't going to be annoyed by him.

"So you hang out with commoner clerks? Or does he just hang out with you by default?"

Before Steven could retort, Lars spoke with a bored 'customer service' tone, "How can I serve you today, sir?"

Kevin gave a haughty chuckle, "Well you could start by shining my shoes?"

"You don't shine them yourself?"

"Why should I when I can pay someone to do it?"

"You mean you don't know how? Or you just can't?", Lars asked, still reading his magazine while Steven watched the exchange with curiosity.

Kevin seemed a little surprised, and stammered, "Well I know how, I just could-"

"Here, show me," Lars smiled, reaching under the counter, pulling out a small metal spray can, and a cloth used to clean the counters, "Shine 'em."

"Why don't you do it," Kevin folded his arms.

"Well I would, but I just wanna know if you know how to do it. You do know how right?", Lars raised an eyebrow looking up from his magazine expectantly, and Steven copied his expression.

Kevin scowled and slapped the can away, "Never mind that. I don't even want a commoner like you touching my shoes."

"If I'm such a commoner, and this is such a dump, why did you even stop here?", Lars was back to reading.

"I didn't stop here on purpose!," Kevin retorted, face turning a bit red, "I just...wanted to see how stupid it was inside! And have a laugh! I laugh! Ha ha ha!"

"Had your fill?"

"Yes! Yes I have!", Kevin puffed his cheeks.

"The door's behind you, sir," Lars gave a smug smirk.

"I-I'm not done here yet!", Kevin insisted, "I was gonna buy donuts!"

"From a commoner?"

"YES from a commoner!", Kevin shook his fists, then crossed his arms like a pouty child, "I'll take-", he looked at the menu, "FIVE dozen."

"Five dozen?", Steven looked stunned.

"SIX dozen!", Kevin then declared with a determined tone, "And I want them all in boxes!"

"As opposed to...?", Lars gave a smug look.

"Whatever else you put donuts in!", Kevin snapped and waited irritably as Lars filled up the boxes. When it came down to payment, he slammed down a huge wad of bills, "Keep the change you probably need it!"

"Want to donate more to a poor commoner?", Lars spoke with fake sweetness.

Kevin grumbled and balanced all six boxes as he stomped out the door without another word, letting out an irritated scream as Lars asked, "Who's gonna eat all those?"

Once he was gone, and Steven was left staring in amazement, Lars smiled to himself, flipping through his magazine again, impressed with his own lack of caring at the whole incident.

Meanwhile, Kevin sat in his car, still fuming over that worthless piece of garbage donut store employee who had the nerve to make a fool out of him. He sure showed him, buying half of the store's goods, and giving him his money!

What was he so concerned about if he was going to eat them all? What, did all the donuts have a lot of fat in them?

He read the nutrition facts.

Oh crap, they did have a lot of fat in them.

* * *

 

When Steven came in several days later, he was surprised and annoyed to see Kevin there again, standing by the counter with a snooty expression as he bantered irritably with Lars while Sadie stood off to the side, looking unsure of what to do.

"This is the fourth time he's come in," Sadie whispered to Steven, still watching the exchange.

Lars looked bored as ever as Kevin bragged about everything in his life.

"I have money!"

"I have parents who give me a bed and meals to sleep in," Lars answered bored.

"I have parents who give me that AND money!"

"I have parents who love me."

"I have parents who...love money! And I have a thoroughbred mustang stallion named Tiberius!"

"I have a cat named Fudgepop."

"I have money!"

"Do you eat the money?"

"No! I eat the finest meals...with saffron!"

"Real or imitation?"

"IT'S REAL! YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT'S REAL, LAIR-UH-MEE!", Kevin boasted, looking steamed.

"Prove it," Lars grinned.

"OH I'LL PROVE IT. I'LL COOK THE FINEST MEAL YOU'LL HAVE EVER TASTED. I'LL SHOW YOU."

"Oh you'll show me," Lars was still grinning coolly, giving a 'Ta-ta' as Kevin stormed out.

This was way too much fun.

* * *

 

After a week, Lars hadn't seen hide nor hair of Kevin, and had basically forgotten about him, until one night as he was taking out the garbage.

As he tossed the bags in the dumpster, he was startled by the hiss of angry raccoons and a swear. Kevin peeked out of the dumpster, glaring, "Oh hohoho, you're back for more Kevin aren't you! You're just obsessed with me, admit it!"

"Dude are...raccoons eating your scarf?", Lars looked at the ragged animals in the dumpster that Kevin was inhabiting, "How long have you been in there?"

"Not your business!", Kevin hissed, lobbing a piece of garbage at Lars, "You think you can get away with embarrassing me?!"

"I didn't get away with anything, man, you just decided to harass me at work for like five days in a row because I wanted you to stop being mean to Steven."

"Excuse me?"

Lars yanked Kevin out of the dumpster by the collar, "You heard me. Steven is MY stomping grounds for heckling. So you better keep your grubby gold plated mitts off of him, or I'll put a beehive in your car, capiche?"

"What if I fight you for him?", Kevin challenged, raising his fists pathetically.

"...Sure," Lars grinned, then dropped Kevin as he stepped backwards and raised his hands out, staring into the void, closing his eyes in serene chaos as a loud buzzing noise filled the area, and Kevin ran screaming from the cloud of bees.

Lars had won.


End file.
